Friday, June 24, 2011

what do you do when you don't look alike?

This evening I was driving home from a food exchange and was listening to public radio. The conversation was about race, the interview with an author who writes short stories based on everyday kinds of events, yet unravels and pulls apart the event to delve deeper into the race issues entwined within.

It got me thinking about something that happened a couple months ago. Elliott and I were out to lunch at a local coffee shop. We had finished eating and were leaving the shop and as we walked out the door, we ran into another mom and her child, who was riding in a stroller, as we were all trying to pass through the same door. I apologized since Elliott had sorta pushed the door open in her face and she said, "Wow. He's really good looking." I smiled and said, "Thanks." in a somewhat uncomfortable way. It isn't that I disagree, but I sometimes get uncomfortable when people, especially strangers, talk about how good looking he is. I was even more uncomfortable with the comment when she started to look a bit confused, looking back and forth between Elliott and I, and then she said, "Uh, is he... yours?" I know what was whirling through her mind: they are different colors. Their skin and hair are totally different. She looks so frumpy, he's so adorable. Is she Latina? Or Asian? Or what? Is she the nanny?

Since Elliott has been born I've experienced similar encounters. Sometimes they said, "Oh, he must have Daddy's coloring." Or "Oh, he must look like Dad." or "Dad must be a blond." Every time it is a reminder that people still see the differences in our skin colors and many (some do, but not many) can't see past the skin and hair color and see that Elliott and I share the same eye shape and have the same nose. Elliott does have his dad's skin and hair color, but he has my ability to tan. He has his dad's body, long and lean, and his dad's mouth. He has my eye color, but with his dad's hazel that makes them extra interesting. He has my Grandma Daphne's hair. Looking at photos of her as a young child, she has the same color and curls I see on my son. His beautiful long toes and fingers, says Grandma Daphne, come from her.

So there it is. I'm mixed race. My mother's side is Welsh and Scottish. My Father's side is Chippewa Cree/Sioux. I look very much like my father, the Native side, but I see parts of my white side in my own child. I see my Native side in him too with his nose (totally a Chippewa Cree nose) and his ability to tan beautifully.

So in that one confused question from this lady in the doorway of a coffee shop, I was reminded of what many people must be confused by everyday. Does this boy and woman belong together? Are they related, mom and son, nanny and child? It was a painful reminder to me that there are people that would not pair me with my son in a line up simply because we're different shades. And that hurts. I'm not sure I can exactly explain why, but it does.

I'm pretty used to being the minority in the room. Growing up as a minority in Montana, even as a Native, which as far as minorities go in Montana, is the most prevalent, I'm pretty used to looking different from everyone else. Very few times has it been a real issue. Other than one romantic relationship, I've ALWAYS been involved in mixed-race relationships. When Nate and I first realized together that we were a mixed race relationship we cracked up... it just seems stupid and minuscule in our lives, our differences in race and in our outer look. And it has never, ever bothered me as a couple that we look different. But with my child, well, it is just different.

So I don't know if I would call that other mom racist, or any of the others that have noticed the "differences" between Elliott and I, but the fact that they can't always see past the differences in our "shades" to see that we actually do look quite a bit alike, is always a bit jarring to me and is always a disappointing reminder that people want things to "fit" and make sense and that despite as far as we've come as a society, when things don't easily fit, it confuses. And that makes me sad and, unfortunately, it is a part of my everyday personal life.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Happy Father's Day/7th Wedding Anniversary

In the limo on the way to the reception.

Nate and Elliott in the NICU

A while back I was telling a friend that Nate and I's wedding anniversary was going to be on Father's Day since we had gotten married the day before Father's Day, it was bound to happen at some point.

"Didn't think that one through, huh?" she said about our choice of date.

I responded by saying something about how great of a Father's Day gift it was for our dads, but was admittedly feeling overwhelmed by having two big events on one day. But I've changed my mind, now that THE DAY, tomorrow, is imminent, I'm thinking about how perfect this actually is.

Our anniversary marks the day be pledged to be together, to dedicate the future of our lives to each other and to our future and current families. So really, it is the day that laid the foundation to what we are now... A family. We are parents. We have a son. So how perfect is it that every once in awhile, we will get the opportunity to celebrate that growth in one day?

So tomorrow honors my husband. The man that makes us a family. The man that makes me a better woman and mother. The man that has an amazing magic touch with our son, who, I will fully admit, can be overwhelming at times. Nate is an amazing father, humble and inspiring.

I often think back to Elliott's birth. Nate must have been terrified, but he didn't show it. He was solid, steady and the most amazing support. More than I had ever hoped for. We hadn't even talked much about what things would happen in the delivery room... we were scheduled, at 30 weeks to start birthing classes and to soon start our prenatal sessions with our Doulas. I figured we'd work it all out then.

But that didn't happen. On Thursday, Nov. 1, 2007, at 30 weeks gestation, my water broke and we were in labor. We were to start birthing classes that Monday.

There he is, supporting me all the way (and supported by our friend Susan, who came straight from her job as a nurse in another hospital)

Immediately after Elliott was born.

From the second he was born, Nate was in love with our little boy. He spent our time in the hospital shuttling between the NICU and my room (where I was stuck for the first 24 hours until a nurse could wheel me down) taking photos of Elliott with our camera and running the camera up to me so I could see him and the progress they were making with him before I got to see him.
Nate with Elliott right after Elliott arrived in the NICU.

When Elliott was two weeks old, he finally got to hold him. Every time he came to the NICU on his way home from work, I was doing Kangaroo Care with Elliott and when he wasn't working, he insisted we use the time for more Kangaroo Care. I'm still amazed by his restraint. He wanted to use the time we had to do what was best for Elliott, and spent those first couple weeks holding Elliott's little hand and talking to him as he slept in the isolette, since some days Elliott was already exhausted from Kangaroo Care or was DSATing too much to do it at all.

Nate stopped by the hospital every morning before he went to work to spend some time with his little boy, which was such a comfort to me, since I was usually exhausted from night after night of waking every three hours to pump. Knowing Nate was there with Elliott gave me the comfort I needed to get better rest than I would have otherwise allowed myself. So that first time holding his little guy was quite the sweet treat. And I remember how he argued with me about how Elliott needed Kangaroo Care time and I insisted he needed the chance to hold his boy.

Happy Family! The day we took Elliott home. This was taken moments after we stepped OUT of the NICU with Elliott!


So Sunday, June 19th, 2011 Elliott and I will celebrate Nate: Dad, Husband and amazing


Elliott and Nate in those sleepy early days at home.

Nate wrapping Elliott in a blanket at Elliott's first pediatrician appointment.

Babywearing Daddy!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

sweet things

A couple of things that have happened in the past couple of days that are so sweet I don't want to forget them.

Today Elliott and I were leaving for a playdate at a splash pad and he was buckled into his carseat and I was standing on the driver's side door talking to Nate about a couple of things before we took off. Elliott was super excited about our playdate and had been happily chatting about playing at the park and in the water when all of a sudden he yelled, "MOM! I love you!" Super, super sweet.

Recently I've gone out with a friend on a couple of weekend afternoons (mostly shopping trips that we don't want to take the kids on, so we go together and leave the boys with our husbands). Elliott was asking to go and I explained that this was a "Mommy Playdate." He seemed to understand after that.

So last week he asked if we could have a playdate. I asked which friend he'd like me to set it up with and he said, "No, with YOU Mom! I want a playdate with YOU!"

What a sweet little boy.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

asthma

Yesterday Elliott was diagnosed as having asthma. We now have three medications for him. Two are for daily use, one is for emergencies only.

I feel so bad for the kiddo. He's been coughing and coughing. I'm glad to have a treatment and a way to help him (although getting medicine in him is a big challenge). He seemed a bit better today... not nearly as much coughing today as we've been seeing for two months. So far tonight I've heard a bit of coughing... I'm hoping we've seen all we will see for the night.

This diagnosis, for me, has been pretty painful. Every time something that is more than likely related to Elliott's prematurity appears, these feelings of guilt, inadequacy and of deep pain for failing my sweet baby bubble up. It takes me right back to the day about a week after Elliott's birth where I sat in the NICU with his tiny body on my bare chest, doing our daily bit of kangaroo care, screens surrounding the incubator and us in the rocking chair. And I was sobbing. Sobbing for how I had failed my child. Mourning my body's inability to work correctly.

These feelings resurfaced when Elliott was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and I'm again dealing with them. I know, intellectually, that it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. Everything that went wrong was nothing I was in control of. I know that even if he had been born full term he could have still had asthma and sensory processing disorder. But, I also know that these are classic long term affects of prematurity.

I'm not sure I'll ever really heal. I don't know if I'll ever stop internalizing these things. I think it is just my cross to bear as a preemie mom.

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to carry you full term. I'm sorry you had to endure five weeks in the NICU, being poked with needles, listening to beeping and alarms, with people other than your mama and daddy changing your diapers and feeding you. I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dinner conversation 5/16

Yesterday's conversation. Setting: Dinner table. Eating hamburgers. Young son is refusing to eat the meat, only eating the bun slathered with ketchup.

Dad: Elliott, do you want some meat? You can dip it in the ketchup.
Elliott: No. I am NOT a T-Rex!
Dad: I'm an omnivore, Elliott. I eat plants and meat.
Elliott: That's a troodon.

Mom: *LAUGHING*

Our kiddo knows his dinos!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The goings on #2


Here I am, back for the second installment of The Goings On! You might notice some overlap, that is due to the photos being a mix of ones from my phone and ones from the camera. I'm just going through the folder of photos and selecting as it goes, so yes, there will be overlap on events with the previous post.

Anywho... the goings on!


We recently unpacked Elliott's tent. He was delighted and has spent a lot of time playing in the tent since then.




Shadow puppets in the tent.

An incredibly cute pic of the little guy.

Warm, clean laundry + Clifford = best morning ever

He loved snuggling in the basket of just dried laundry.

Oh how I wish I was small enough to curl my whole body into a basket of warm laundry!

Bear doing what she loves to do these days: Monitoring the neighborhood.

Lovely spring color.

The indestructible bandaid. This Curious George bandaid lasted approximately a full week. This was Elliott showing me how it was firmly affixed even after swimming lessons.

Out for a trike ride on what has been a very rare sunny day. he rode his trike all the way to his friend's house with minimal help from me! This was also the ride where he had his first bike riding injury... hence the bandaid in the photo above.

We painted Elliott's room. One half wall has magnet primer covered with chalkboard paint. It has been fun!


Elliott helped ;)

Sacked out after a day of painting.

Free scoop day at Ben and Jerry's.

Easter cookie decorating with one of Elliott's best buddies, Levi.

I baked a lot of cookies. The boys did a pretty good job decorating, but it's a good thing Levi's mom, Michelle, and I both like cookie decorating ;)

Deep in imaginative tractor play. It is kinda hard to see, but he was lifting pieces of tinker toy with one of his tractors.

Ready for an egg hunt. This was right before leaving home for the first of three egg hunts Elliott participated in this year.

Our Easter Tree. Elliott and I made an Easter Tree from a branch I found in a boulevard in NE Portland, some pretty "stones" and eggs we (or I) blew and Elliott dyed. We were super pleased with our tree!

Elliott after saying to me: "Mom? I need sunblock. Can we go to the beach?"

We really love our new neighbors (across the street). Here Elliott eats a little mincemeat pie they baked and gave us and last weekend they gave us some fresh baked bread. Yum! We gave them some of the Easter cookies we made and decorated.

And we love our sunny days! We've gotten so few that when one rolls around we pretend it is August!

Rainbow! Elliott loves rainbows. One of his favorite songs to sing is the Rainbow song from the "Cat in the Hat knows a lot about that" show on OPB. "Red, Orange, Yellow. Then Green, followed by blue. Indigo and Violet, That's a rainbow song for you!" (btw, he looks like he's not excited in this picture only because I was standing there shouting "Smile!" as he was being blinded by the sun.)

Our BIG egg!

Another BIG egg.

Our centerpiece for Easter Brunch. The Easter Tree on the table and our big eggs hanging from the ceiling fan.

This is what Elliott calls "taking a shower." One of his favorite activities these days. Not mom's favorite.

Yup, glad we replaced this exterior outlet. Yipes!

And I'm working on killing grass. Yup! Super exciting!

Probably one of the best lego constructions I've ever done. Elliott commissioned me to make a "Mack Truck" for his race cars out of Duplo Legos. I should note the trough on the top of the trailer part of the truck. That is a rain collection trough... completely Elliott's idea. This kiddo loves to talk about collecting rainwater. Super awesome!

Pretty much the best bedtime event Elliott has ever experienced. A Wendy's frosty and a trip through the carwash. Five star night for the three-year-old.

We checked out the playground at the nearby elementary school. It pretty much rocks Elliott's world. He keeps asking to go back to the "new" playground.

We made a friend on the way to the "new" playground. Elliott has asked a few times since to go find the friendly kitty.

And a stop at the flavor spot waffle food cart. We miss living a 1/2 block from it.

In my quest to find more creative ways to fulfill Elliott's need for more physical stimulation, I devised a pully system so he can pull loads from the main floor to the second floor. He's been having a good time with it.

Having fun at OMSI.

On the submarine tour. Looking through the periscope was the only part he liked.

Elliott set the table :)

We went to a birthday party recently where Elliott got a balloon sword. He said it was an anteater and here the anteater was sniffing for ants.

Eating pizza at the birthday party.

Meeting Micky Mouse at the birthday party.

I sewed some light blocking curtains for Elliott's room. He chose the fabric...
purple with Robots.

Playing with fake snow.

Taking Bear on a walk in a wooded area near our house. She loves to go walking through there.

We purchased some solar lights at Costco. Elliott made a birdhouse from the packaging. Totally his idea. Super cute.

Nate and Elliott found four little salamanders in a hole in our backyard. Here they are in the dump bucket of Elliott's trike right before the boys took them to the swampy area in the park near our house to release them back into nature. Elliott was very serious about the release (and it was incredibly cute.)

The hole where we found the salamanders. (with one salamander visible)

Grocery Shopping. When he got into this cart, he said, "Mommy, this cart is for big boys!"

Sorry it is out of focus, but I think you can still appreciate
the crazy post swimming lessons hair.

Sweet. Sweet, sweet, sweet. I love this man. I love this boy.
My heart on a mini-merry-go-round.

On Mother's Day we went to a restaurant the recently opened near us. It is a pizza and such all you can eat buffet and it has an arcade with rides too. Here are my boys playing skeeball.

Elliott whacking sharks.

Getting goofy in the car. (Don't worry, we were not moving). After running errands, we pulled in our driveway and Elliott didn't want to get out yet. He asked for some carrot sticks to snack on, so after giving him a couple I got the idea to make a walrus face with a couple sticks. Elliott thought it was HILARIOUS when I whipped around in my seat with the walrus face. He immediately tried to do it and has been making the walrus face ever since every time he gets ahold of a carrot stick. Anyhow, I took this to commemorate the moment.



YAY! We're all caught up on photos for now! I hope you all have enjoyed the little snapshots of our lives!