Love and Marriage

So, before I start any crazy wild rumors, Nate and I are FINE. Really. Totally. Actually, right now I feel like we're in a better place than we've been in a long time. We're good. Totally.

So I've been thinking a lot about love and marriage lately. Mostly marriage. For the past couple of years I've been watching the evolution of marriages around me. It's strange to be in a place where friends, family and ourselves are starting to experience the real hard work part of marriage. Some marriages are making it, some aren't. My heart breaks for those that aren't making it, I'm so excited to see the ones that are thriving. Lots of couple going into therapy, lots of families striving to find their new normals.

I recently posted this article on Facebook: http://blog.oregonlive.com/mytigard/2011/03/the_secret_to_a_long_marriage.html?mobRedir=false

I appreciate the author's (the wife of one of my former co-workers) honesty about thinking about divorce and how every marriage takes work. It's not easy, at all. It is one thing to say in your vows, "in sickness and in health" and "till death do us part" and it's another to live it. Granted, Nate and I haven't experienced anything like a brain trauma, but in our almost seven years of marriage we've definitely had some more difficult times to work through.

But the article makes me wonder do the young starry eyed lovers really get it? One comment I got from an unmarried friend was that the author seemed selfish and cold to think about divorce after her husband's brain trauma. But what I read was that this was a woman who was at the end of her rope. IT IS HARD. IT TAKES WORK. LOTS OF WORK. Sure, no soon-to-be newlywed is going to want to hear the reality of how difficult marriage can be. You want to think that you'll be as in love as you are RIGHT NOW forever and for always. Maybe you will and that is fantastic. But, more than likely, there will be a time when you wonder what you got yourself into and that's when you have to do the work to make sure the marriage lasts and improves.

But is it the starry eyed lovers fault, really? I mean, how in the heck do you really describe how the challenges of marriage. They are so different for every couple. Some couples survive infidelity, some don't. Some couple survive the challenges of raising a family, some don't. Some survive partner sickness, some don't. It all depends on the two individuals in the relationship... how strong they are, how much they are willing to compromise, how forgiving they are, and so many other factors.

For me, all this listening to the marital challenges around me has made me think about my own marriage. And I appreciate my husband more and more. But it has also exposed to me my own shortcomings as a wife. I can be very impatient, I like to win every argument. When stressed, I tend to take my frustrations out on him (think snippy comments, short tempered and such).

I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only wife out there that has felt at the end of her rope. I'm glad to know others find marriage to be constant work, always in need of attention. For me, discovering that we are in no way unusual in our struggles was very comforting. It let me know that I don't have to get all doomsday-y about everything (yes, I can be a bit of a drama queen), and I know that these struggles are normal and that constant maintenance of the relationship is normal and needed.

I've also been able to cut myself some slack. I have been able, through listening to my friend and families stories, that I'm in no way a perfect wife, nor will I ever be. I need to do my best, admit when I'm wrong and learn and work at being more patient and kind. It's basic stuff that I think is so easy, at least for me, to let slide.

So, in the end I am so grateful to the friends and family who have been so candid about their challenges and struggles, who have been so open and amazing. It has helped my own marriage and has helped me become a better (not perfect) wife.

spouse bickering

Today I was witness to a very uncomfortable spousal spat. Elliott and I were waiting for our turn to go sign him into Kid's Club at the gym (he LOVES it and I get a chance to work out... perfect!) Only one parent is allowed at a time in the actual Kids Club area, so you have to wait outside for your turn.

A couple showed up with their three kids. The mom was, well, barking at her husband to sign the kids in, she had to get to class (incidentally, the same class I was going to... the same reason I was patiently waiting my turn). She turned around and very abruptly took off down the hall. The kids, all three, started screaming, "MOM!!!" and went running after her. She turned around and herded the kids back and her husband said something about how they want her to do it, and how they like her better, so she should do it. She said to him, very tersely, "I don't see why you can't figure out how to do this. And wouldn't YOU like me better than you?"

He looked at her and sorta snorted. Then said, "no."

She whipped her head around, facing away from him and said, in a whiny tone, "These kids are SO attached to me."

Then it was their turn to sign in, so the conversation was over.

I found the whole thing to be kinda disturbing on a couple of levels. One, I felt bad for their kiddos. How sad to learn that this is how moms and dads communicate with each other. Second, I felt bad for them. I obviously don't know what is going on in their relationship. It could be that he's cheating, she's pissed. Or maybe she's just insufferable and he feels trapped. Or, maybe they are a couple who, for some reason, thrives on marital tension and equalizes it by having tons of amazing make-up sex. Who knows... I don't really care at any rate.

The third thing is what has been on my mind the most. I know I sometimes talk to Nate in the way I heard this wife talking to her husband. I work so hard, everyday, to be gentle, loving and patient with Elliott, but that means that the tension and stress has to get released elsewhere. And, unfortunately, that sometimes is on my husband. (Just a side note: The gym is helping with releasing this stress... I feel more relaxed than I have in, well, years. But still, I have to admit it still comes out.)

So, I have to thank that couple, wherever they are. Thank them for making me realize that I need to also concentrate on being gentle, loving and patient with my own husband. It is unfortunate that I figured that out by watching another couple's struggle, but I feel fortunate to have witnessed it and to know that I need to work on how I release my own stress... to not let it fall on my husband.