asthma

Yesterday Elliott was diagnosed as having asthma. We now have three medications for him. Two are for daily use, one is for emergencies only.

I feel so bad for the kiddo. He's been coughing and coughing. I'm glad to have a treatment and a way to help him (although getting medicine in him is a big challenge). He seemed a bit better today... not nearly as much coughing today as we've been seeing for two months. So far tonight I've heard a bit of coughing... I'm hoping we've seen all we will see for the night.

This diagnosis, for me, has been pretty painful. Every time something that is more than likely related to Elliott's prematurity appears, these feelings of guilt, inadequacy and of deep pain for failing my sweet baby bubble up. It takes me right back to the day about a week after Elliott's birth where I sat in the NICU with his tiny body on my bare chest, doing our daily bit of kangaroo care, screens surrounding the incubator and us in the rocking chair. And I was sobbing. Sobbing for how I had failed my child. Mourning my body's inability to work correctly.

These feelings resurfaced when Elliott was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and I'm again dealing with them. I know, intellectually, that it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. Everything that went wrong was nothing I was in control of. I know that even if he had been born full term he could have still had asthma and sensory processing disorder. But, I also know that these are classic long term affects of prematurity.

I'm not sure I'll ever really heal. I don't know if I'll ever stop internalizing these things. I think it is just my cross to bear as a preemie mom.

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to carry you full term. I'm sorry you had to endure five weeks in the NICU, being poked with needles, listening to beeping and alarms, with people other than your mama and daddy changing your diapers and feeding you. I'm so sorry.