asthma

Yesterday Elliott was diagnosed as having asthma. We now have three medications for him. Two are for daily use, one is for emergencies only.

I feel so bad for the kiddo. He's been coughing and coughing. I'm glad to have a treatment and a way to help him (although getting medicine in him is a big challenge). He seemed a bit better today... not nearly as much coughing today as we've been seeing for two months. So far tonight I've heard a bit of coughing... I'm hoping we've seen all we will see for the night.

This diagnosis, for me, has been pretty painful. Every time something that is more than likely related to Elliott's prematurity appears, these feelings of guilt, inadequacy and of deep pain for failing my sweet baby bubble up. It takes me right back to the day about a week after Elliott's birth where I sat in the NICU with his tiny body on my bare chest, doing our daily bit of kangaroo care, screens surrounding the incubator and us in the rocking chair. And I was sobbing. Sobbing for how I had failed my child. Mourning my body's inability to work correctly.

These feelings resurfaced when Elliott was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and I'm again dealing with them. I know, intellectually, that it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. Everything that went wrong was nothing I was in control of. I know that even if he had been born full term he could have still had asthma and sensory processing disorder. But, I also know that these are classic long term affects of prematurity.

I'm not sure I'll ever really heal. I don't know if I'll ever stop internalizing these things. I think it is just my cross to bear as a preemie mom.

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to carry you full term. I'm sorry you had to endure five weeks in the NICU, being poked with needles, listening to beeping and alarms, with people other than your mama and daddy changing your diapers and feeding you. I'm so sorry.

the goings on

So much has happened since I last updated! Whew! So much! So, I'm going to do a picture post with some captions to catch everyone up. Sorry for the lack of substance writing-wise, but I have a feeling the cute pictures of Elliott are why most folks are here anyhow.

The day before Easter we took a family trip down to the Tulip Festival. It was Elliott and I's third trip to the festival, but was Nate's first. We had a great time, above and below

Waiting for the start of the egg hunt. This hunt was Elliott's second of three hunts this year.

Elliott had his first pony ride. He really liked it.

Riding the cow train was a huge deal. We had a great time and Elliott rode by himself for the second year in a row.

I didn't get much for pictures of Elliott in the tulips this year.

This is basically what he wanted to do this year: Run.

Nate tried to help him stand still long enough for a picture, but it didn't work.

Yay! We got ONE good one!

We got to see (and hear) an old fashioned steam tractor.

This is what Elliott thought of the steam tractor.

Elliott always enjoys a corndog.

There were tables filled with chicken feed for the kids to scoop and dump.

Elliott spent a lot of time there.

... and the obligatory Tulip Festival child-in-wooden-shoe shot

Elliott decided to put his Easter basket on the front porch so it would be easy for the Easter Bunny to find. He was very, very excited about the Easter Bunny and spent the week before Easter singing Christmas Tunes, but substituting "Easter Bunny" for "Santa". Or, sometimes, they worked together in his songs.

And, of course, we left a snack for the Easter Bunny.

Opening Easter baskets from Grandparents! Thank you!

He found his basket!

He was excited about the chocolate chicken in his basket. (one of his favorite Easter books was the Max and Ruby book, "The Chocolate Chicken")

Also was excited about the chocolate carrots hanging from his basket.

We invited Elliott's friend Noah and his parents over for Easter brunch. We had an egg hunt (Elliott's third) in our backyard. By this time, Elliott was a seasoned vet and we had to actually work on slowing him down so Noah could get some eggs too. We've never seen him so competitive.

Elliott and Noah egg hunting

Elliott finding some of the more difficult eggs.

Boys and their loot.

During brunch we (the parents) were saying how wonderfully the boys were playing. They were so good! They played so well, we got to enjoy our brunch! It was amazing. Well, after our guests left, I went downstairs where the boys had been and discovered foil chocolate wrappers everywhere! No wonder they were so good! They sat downstairs and ate chocolate! Ah, silly boys!

Okay, I have more to post, but it is late (12:30 p.m.) and I'm tired. So i promise to get back on and post more pictures from the last couple of months. Promise. Cross my heart!

Potty Training

Elliott is rocking the potty training bit!

I'm not expecting miracles or anything, but we've had two nights in a row with a dry diaper. He sometimes still wets his diaper or undies, but more and more he's figuring out that he needs to go ahead of time and getting his pants and undies off in time. We're working on his aim, since at least in one of our bathrooms he insists on peeing standing up. It's a work in progress, but improving.

The biggest thing for me is watching how independently he is doing this. For the last year, I have been so, so ready for him to potty train. I've encouraged, pushed a bit, then backed off. Over and over. I made a potty chart, not with the intention to potty train completely, but to motivate him to connect potty and pee. Not sure if it really worked, but he really liked it.

But right before our move he started showing real signs of being ready. With the move, I was fairly pre-occupied with, well, moving, so I wasn't pushing. I was excited when he did go on the potty, but potty training was on my list of things to concentrate after the move.

Then, after the move, I noticed he was running to the potty more and more. But he didn't want my help, he wanted to do it himself.

So now I find myself standing behind a closed bathroom door, or if I am lucky, standing in the doorframe of an open one, asking questions like, "Are you done?" NO! "Do you need my help?" NO! "Do you need me to wipe your bottom?" NO! I do it myself!

ahhhhh....

So, he wants to do it all on his own (I do insist on helping with the wiping, though... as much as he wants to do it himself. I tried letting him do it on his own today... and let's just say he's really not ready...)

And I was thinking about the push to do things in our society. The push to wean, the push to potty train, the push to this and that. And I started thinking about how frustrated I would get when I wanted him to be ready and to do something and he wasn't. And I realized that every single time I've tried to push him into something (even gently) it turned horrible. I end up being an insane stress case, he's upset and starts acting out... it is never a good situation. But, I let go, find my MamaZen as I like to call it, and wait it out. Wait for him to be ready, to make the first move, when I let it be his own accomplishment, it is amazing.

Like now. It is so amazing to see him figuring this out. He's happy, he's excited and it is ALL HIS OWN. I can't take a bit of credit in this process. It has been all about him. I've only been a cheerleader, given minimal guidance (lifting the seat when peeing standing up, small stuff like that), and been his support staff waiting in the shadows for my next opportunity to help.

Without fail, every single time I've been able to let it happen, it has been so positive. It has been a positive experience for all of us, and most of all, it has been positive for him and he is able to OWN the entire experience. I love that.

Little guy

Elliott self-portrait at his first Globetrotter's Game at the Rose Garden.

Elliott holding his hands over his ears as he acclimates to the noise level in the Rose Garden.

___________________________________________________

Well, I decided it is darn tootin' time I updated everyone on what our little guy has been up to lately. And I'm gonna warn you, this post is fueled by 2 glasses of wine, if I get sappy or seems a bit choppy, well, I'm not apologizing.

Elliott is amazing. Seriously. I know, I know, every parent on earth looks at their little miracles and says the same thing. But, you know, for every parent, it is TRUE. Our children are amazing.

Elliott has recently hit a new developmental level... it's so much fun to watch these developmental leaps. He is currently working on potty training himself. Everyone said to just wait, that he'd figure it out himself... and guess what? He is! It's amazing!

I am so proud of him. Today we were out running errands for nearly 4 hours. He didn't wet his undies one little bit. And it was the first time he had asked to wear his undies out. Believe me, I tried to talk him out of it, but he was adamant: only undies would do. So I packed three extra pairs of pants, three pairs of undies, three diapers in a diaper bag and forgot it at home. So I'm extra glad it worked out.

He does have a little extra motivation to potty train these days... I told him that he can't go to preschool unless he is wearing undies all day and peeing and pooping on the potty by the time preschool starts (which is NOT a lie). And it was at that moment he started peeing and pooping on the potty all the time when we are home and he is bare on the bottom half. He's recently started taking his diaper and pants off to go potty, so we're definitely seeing progress! We may have this licked by September.

Hey, what good is life if you can't get a little goofy?

Size wise, he's doing great. In fact, we regularly get comments now about how tall he is. He seems perfectly normal compared to other three-year-olds to Nate and I, but for some reason, everyone we run into comments on how tall he is and he is often mistaken for a four or even five year old. He's wearing a lot of 4T clothes now, mostly for length, and he still fits into some 2T's for the waist. That'll be easy for summer, at least, we don't have to worry about finding new shorts :) I can't give actual numbers right now since the growth chart was just unpacked and I haven't had a chance to put it up yet. Soon, folks, soon.

And what good is paint, really, if you can't cover yourself in it?

Elliott has recently developed a favorite color. And he is pretty passionate about it. Purple. It's awesome. He LOVES purple. Talks about it all the time, loves any time he finds something neat that is also purple, well, it is love. It is so fun to watch him delightedly notice all the purple stuff around him.

Elliott has a new "baby". Actually, it is his first baby. It is a little cheetah he named (all by himself): Grifford. So Grifford has become a small part of our lives. I need to perform minor surgery soon on his back, which has developed a split seam. Elliott and I have discussed this, and all day today he has been talking about Grifford's surgery.

Meet Grifford, the cheetah.

Oh, and PRESCHOOL!!! So exciting! Elliott has been admitted to Woodhaven School. We're very excited about it. Woodhaven is a co-op, Waldorf-inspired, nature based preschool. He'll be going Tuesdays and Thursdays this next year. During their day at school they spend an hour outside, rain or shine in a wooded area across the parking lot from the school. No playground equipment or anything like that, just dirt, trees, some bark dust and each other. We'll be getting him geared up with the proper gear for this kind of outside play. I'm super excited for him to have the opportunity to have such a great option for outdoor, open ended play. I'm also excited for the Waldorf events, the spiral walk, may pole dance, lantern walk. They seem so magical and I can't wait for Elliott to have those magic experiences. Here is a link for those of you who might want to take a look: http://www.woodhavenschool.com/

Elliott was also diagnosed as having Sensory Processing Disorder. Basically, he doesn't process sensory stimulation in a "normal" manner. We've been going to an Occupational Therapist at OHSU every other week. He has been loving therapy and has been really responding to the therapy. We've been having a great time.

In therapy. Listening to music while working on fine motor skills.

We've been doing a lot of science experiments lately. A couple of the shows he likes to watch (mostly Curious George and Sid the Science Kid) have neat ideas for science experiments you can do with your kids. He keeps asking to do these different experiments. So far we have made a cave of darkness with blankets and a table. Once it was completely dark he asked me to hand him different toys and he would tell me what they were by feeling them in the dark. He did really well. After than he spent a lot of time hanging out in the "cave" with a flashlight.

The Cave of Darkness... can you see him there?

The second was "will is dissolve or not" experiment. I set up glasses of water and gave him 5 options of things to stir in the water to see if they dissolve. We did: salt, sugar, calcium citrate powder, kelp powder and baking soda. He had a great time guessing if it would dissolve or not and then stirring the solution to see what happened.

Calcium Citrate powder did NOT dissolve.

The third one was an ice experiment. We froze fruit in ice and then melted it by pouring hot water on the ice. it was great. Elliott learned all about how water freezes and melts and he had fun feeling the holes and bumps that the hot water made when it melted the ice. Then, of course, he had a great time eating the apples and oranges that had been in the ice.

The fruit frozen into a block of ice.

Getting messy is a big deal in Elliott's world. He is loving the rainy weather we have, for at the least, the mud puddles it creates. We have a low spot in our yard that tends to pool during any rain, so it has turned into Elliott's favorite place to stomp, jump, dig, push trucks and such.

What good is mud if you can't spread it on a glass door?

A boy and his mudpit.

His interests range, but basically the are: race cars, diggers, space, robots, salt mines, cats (especially cheetahs), bouncing, running, donuts, chocolate, baking, building towers, airplanes, helicopters, mixer trucks, asphalt, climbing, throwing, puzzles, painting, drawing, swimming... I'm probably leaving things out, but that's a general idea.

Baking a Red Velvet Cake for Valentine's Day

And probably the best of all, Elliott has for the past few months, telling me he loves me... a lot. So, so sweet to hear your kiddo tell you that.

amazingness

I know every parent is blown away by the amazingness of their child. There is something absolutely indescribable about how amazing our children are. I find myself watching Elliott sometimes, absolutely breathless, thinking about when I first realized I was pregnant, and then looking at this PERSON, this thinking, talking, energetic, exhausting and equally exhilarating person.

I watch him scarf down little pieces of pork chop, dripping with bright red ketchup, leaving behind a little bare canyon down the middle of the larger ketchup blob I squirted on his plate and think about how through my entire pregnancy I couldn't stomach pork. Couldn't even look at it without my skin suddenly feeling clammy, my stomach turning flips. Months of no pork in my life. And here is that very baby, scarfing it down with delight.

The day of the birth, I fully believe, is not only a day of birthing your child, but of a mother birthing herself as a mother, birthing a father, birthing a family. Elliott's day arrived 10 weeks earlier than expected, although I had, deep down, been expecting an early baby.

He cried immediately after his little body slid out of mine, his strong little lungs letting everyone around him know what I already knew, he was strong, healthy, and while skinny, was going to be just fine. The little baby who had been torturing my cervix for a month, kicking it incessantly, would never let me, or anyone, forget his presence and what he thought of it.

He'd had so much room to move, so much amniotic fluid that I blew off people's rude comments about my HUGE belly by telling them I was growing the next Michael Phelps; The baby was getting early training. I now watch that strong three-year-old body swim and wiggle, bob up and down during his weekly swimming class and during our weekly fun swim time. His little body exuberantly diving, twisting and kicking. It's like seeing what was happening inside my belly those months.

I look forward to watching him grow, to watch and listen as his opinions and ideas form and develop. Each developmental stage is bittersweet, so exciting to see him accomplish something new and cool, but at the same time, so sad to say goodbye to what has kept him a baby during these early years.

When he drifts off to sleep, I often kiss his cheeks over and over so I can feel his soft baby skin and feel the springiness of his sweet cheeks spring against my lips. I know it won't be forever that his skin will feel that way or that his sweaty hair will smell so good. It won't be forever that he'll seek out my body at night, snuggling right up against me, curling up perfectly against me as we lay chest to chest.

I'm concentrating on drinking it in, holding onto those moments because I know soon enough it will go away and it won't come back and we'll be on our way to another amazing stage.